difference between holding a grudge and not forgetting

YESSSSSSS!!!! Grudges and boundaries often appear similar, but they are in fact quite different. Seriously! But I fear that I can slip anyday, and become trusting/gullible or a people pleaser and this post reminds me not to. I am to a point responsible for my looks, my lefties opinions but I am not responsible for this town though I truly wish to change it to something that functions. American Psychological Association. But it was so OTT at times, that I began making funny faces and blushing when I was with him, especially since he made no exception with me in applying his charming/seductive behavior. For a person who was badly, When one person is deeply hurt and broken by an offense caused by another person,. Its important that you listen to your gut. I didnt break her yet?. Im especially proud of you for considering your daughters feelings. He isn't a human golden retriever all the time. I would kill myself before I would let ONE day go by with my sons wondering if I loved them. I still am having to work on that. He expressed his resentment of the new policies. But. In retrospect, I sure wish that I had maintained NC when he wrote me again after 20 months. "Putting too much cream in the coffee or fighting over the TV remote can turn into a major blow-up due to the backlog of unresolved feelings in the relationship. But forgiveness isnt always possible in every situation. Im still confused tho Nat. Moving on means choosing not to let the hurt and anger have power over you, Kevon Owen, M.S., LPC, a clinical psychotherapist, told INSIDER. RFC I think you already have the information you need, he said he feels suffocated in a relationship and he wanted FWB. This the man Ive been there for who has been very depressed. However, we are not, as Christians, required to extend this forgiveness to unrepentant people, who in effect (and according to the Bible) become Gods enemies. So this is really really traumatizing and I think made worse because in our other lives we are totally competent together, strong and intelligent women. Surely ther. I know it isnt so I will not be reaching out to him. I would definitely encourage you to watch this. Doormatwhat a lousy situation. LavendarCheck in with your feelings and tell us what you think the answer is. Right now, its my faith that is getting me a bit balled up in what I think and do. You're holding a grudge! Realize this. He is no idiot, otherwise I would not need to give him a second thought. Q R$::00% B@,6 :S;c889^L3az?YB3xR08Zq@` o% Hell, no! She has proven over and over again what kind of person she is and it's the kind you don't want to be around. Mayo Clinic does not endorse companies or products. I can see it in his eyes. In hindsight, I was trying to show the ex that I was a bigger, better person ( since he always mentioned thats how he was and only remembers the good in his relationships (how conveninent for him)). I like to be a generous, supportive and caring person and this was exploited because I actually never got the care, respect, affection, appreciation and cooperation/teamwork I wanted and worked so hard for in the relationship. What is interesting is that those who really love you and care for you, do understand and support your decision, respect your need for NC and dont do stuff like inviting him to parties where you are coming. But if theyre not, theres probably nothing to be gained from letting them carry on reaping the rewards of being unrepetent on you. Its been over a year, and Im getting better and then suddenly something will hit me and I will crash emotionally. Think of a calming or pleasant memory that you can clearly . Even the Bible says that we should freely forgive, but ONLY those who are repentant (i.e., are sorry for what theyve done and who DONT repeat the offending action). It is not acceptable that people can grow and learn from mistakes. Why? He cant give me what I want, need and deserve as a woman so its futile for me to stick around. I have a mother like that too! Just stay NC. And its SPOT ON. I have to learn to forgive me for not being beautiful, desirable enough to get a high quality dude to actually want to live here with me. Im praying for the strength to take my leave, but at the same time be kind. . You may opt-out of email communications at any time by clicking on Advertising revenue supports our not-for-profit mission. I was strict NC with him for a really long time but even that became a non issue as time went on. They think in black-and-white terms. Grudges are toxic to relationships. I obviously made it sound like I was intending a relationship with the man, and I assure you I am not, we are friends, but not even sure that will work for me as the chemistry is off for me even for friends. "Think about how much emotional threshold you have towards most people even annoying ones," Owen said. I FB-stalked someone who lived miles away. Lavender, If youre struggling, try thinking of the STDs he may be carrying around with him. Its so elementary but I hadnt thought of what you said, at least not in that way. Yesterday I had watched this ridiculous episode where the girl was trying sooo hard to get one of the nerds to sleep with him, and I just kept thinking, WHY? At all. He has shown you who he is, now act on it! There is a problem with 100%. I know I do! Even with her hip replacement and all the other physical and health issues she has, I dont even feel sorry for her. All of this led to a fight and unremitting denials about his perceived drug use before he drove off. 30 Signs That Someone Isnt Interested Or Is Half-Heartedly Interested In You: How To Avoid Being a Passing-Time Candidate. Its also not a punishment.New year, new no. Thank you. He deserves a guilty conscience. He got the ego stroke or attention he was after. But there are strategies you can try to help you move past your anger and hurt feelings. Can this still apply if you have children with your ex? Its bound to be awkward when you break up because avoidance is more difficult. And holding grudges may actually harm your health. A bit OTT, but saw this on Pinterest today and made me think of all of us: You may have convinced yourself that you are too broken for love, but there is someone who will prove to you that true love can heal the shattered of hearts. Keep telling yourself that. Holding a grudge keeps them safe from further injury. Not an easy road, but doable. Very tired of relationships not working out and tired of being alone, having said that, as coutney pointed out, I do need to trust my instincts, too old not to and been around th eblock too many times to get involvled with nother man who is not right fo rme. But he was so so charming, funny, intelligent, etc. I still feel Ive done the right thing, and I am relieved, but in other ways I dont know that Ill ever be really free of him. Going back to the ex I guess isnt a total surprise ( though almost)- but never in a million years did I think he just would treat me like this. Lol. you're not angry but you remember what that person is capable of so you don't put your trust in them again. Holding a grudge means hanging on to the bitterness, resentment, and anger. You might not think that's what you're doing, but it very well could be. I could at times become quite narcissistic,using (ie disregarding/not considering) others feelings and disregarding the effect of my actions on them emotionally. Click here for an email preview. document.getElementById( "ak_js_4" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); When you login first time using a Social Login button, we collect your account public profile information shared by Social Login provider, based on your privacy settings. ago. NC works, it really does. I do still have thoughts of having a final dinner with him someday, though What is wrong with me?!! You do not need to get closure from him, there is nothing he can say which may help but Im not sure. I felt wrongly safe in that I saw the way he was with women, and like you I found it was so excessive and crazy that it couldnt be serious, that it was an act to draw attention, that he was just being playful and enjoyed seeing my shocked/blushing faces, etc. Maybe they made fun of your favorite outfit, (metaphorically) threw you under the bus at work, or bullied you at school. We cant please everyone but the Lord sees my heart so Im good with it ! information and will only use or disclose that information as set forth in our notice of Grudges are a learned response. It does get better with NC, really it does. Thanks for reminding us of that . Sending love and hugs your way. Im painting and doing some things that had gone by the wayside, getting my life back on track. When I heard him say that it made me really question him, also I was thinking that maybe he was saying it to brag to his friend and didnt really mean it. There's a difference between moving on from something that hurt you and forgiving people who don't deserve it. You hit the nail on the head. I know I didnt deserve the hand I was dealt. "Choosing to become emotionally detached and uninterested in someone you're trying to forgive. Grace answered beautifully. To hold a grudge is to have and maintain a feeling of anger, bitterness, or resentment toward someone for something they did, especially a wrong that you think they committed against you. Unbelievable he now sends me s friend request. It is a lack of forgiveness and acceptance. My point is Thanks for putting it to me in light of drug addiction. At first, I tried to play it cool. What a schmoe. I dont expect a reaction he never gets angry or shows any emotion at all in fact. And, of course I couldnt tell him I followed him and what I had discovered. My aunt is a full-on proselytizing Catholic and it was on a bus full of Christian ladies headed to the casino that she hit me, which led me to decide to cut my visit short and take up in a hotel. I told her she was already forgiven but that I still was leaving and wouldnt stay as a guest of someone who thinks that them being annoyed means they can slap me. I have my dignity-you are correct. In: Integrative Medicine. Im struggling a lot with my self worth at the moment (even if rationally I know that it does not depend on him). 20 days into NC and now he write me an apologetic mail saying he is ready to do anything to try and repair the damage he has done. You see Magnolia, this is what I was saying before. Dont waste your time with him. "We find great excuses to do a task in another room from our partner, become slow to return phone calls from a friend, or feel that we're just too busy to get together.". I have to say thanks to Natalies posts, and all your comments and support, I feel a whole lot stronger. I really love BR. Courtney- thank you so much for your wisdom I know I need to stay out of them soooooo hard. Committing to someone whos on the fence about you is betrayal of the self. Any use of this site constitutes your agreement to the Terms and Conditions and Privacy Policy linked below. You cannot treat people that way. Yet she did it anyway. Needless to say, my brother, sister and I had far from an ideal childhood. My eldest took this photo of me last Tuesday the 10th, launch day for my book, The Joy of Saying No, in the US and Canada. She finally married her fourth husband and moved away and didnt contact us as often as she had. Dont they usually tell recovering addicts to not associate w people they knew, or certain places? It will take time for me to recover and I think for you too.so be patient with yourself.. And it is unfortunately that you have to see him but I understand that you do and I know I will have to do that toofrom time to time but I just hope I will be able to be less triggered as time passes so he wont affect me anymore. The message she left was so hurtful. She did not mention the message she had left me. I need to leave it alone, and stop feeling like I have to DO SOMETHING. I havent posted for a while as I am doing pretty damn good, finally told him that I would not tolerate any more contact after he had said I was his friend and always would be.ahem I said, I am an ex who you cheated on, who you then asked to be the bit on the side to your new woman and who you then bullshitted about wanting to get back together withthat every word out of his mouth was a lie and I did not need or want someone in my life like that, not even as a friend and that there had come a time in my life where I had to say no to being crapped on and I was doing it now.so yep nothing heard from him in the last 7 days, long may it last but even if it doesnt I finally feel for the first time in 9 long months that I have the backbone to just ignore him now and I will no longer bury things deep like I was asked to everytime he had a bit of assclown behaviour. And find a way to learning about and empowering yourself. NOTHING, time to live in present and learn/forget my painful past! In my opinion its ALL there when you look behind the curtain. Link in bio.#recoveringpeoplepleaser #recoveringperfectionist #codependentnomore #healthyboundaries #narcissisticabuse, Sometimes the person you need to say no to is *yourself*. I hope these help. In any case, I can sympathize with the trauma you must have gone through with such a parent. So strange how these posts come out when Im in a situation where I can relate. If we combine this information with your protected and only subscribe you to what you've specifically requested. These people are practicing these things willfully and maliciously. He didnt have time for a relationship with me but within 2 weeks went back on the dating site we met on. I really do think he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Sooner or later, your drug dealer comes around again You remember how you felt, and know it did you no good, only harm. Stay away. Meaning: You won't forget what she did. Ciembithat truly sucks. So she knows whats really going on. I read a quote by G.K. Chesterton, Christianity hasnt been tried and found wanting. I believe moving onto the next guy is a way to avoid this and has the potential to keep you stuck, not to mention that it is not respectful to new guy when you are essentially emotionally unavailable to him. Yet he wanted to to be friends with me and kept emailing calling after we broke up. Many years ago, I was seeing a guy who lived across the street. Grudges are a form of punishment. On to a better candidate. Enjoy your own company and when theres a relationship worth risking the hurt, youll know it. It made me feel weak and pathetic. I was frightened of what people might say and looking like the bad one. I used to watch his house so that I would know when he went out, or who visited. Talk to you soon. Now I get what you mean and you are right that we agree! I did fall for him and did feel an emotional connection even though he is EUM so we became friends then my feelings grew and i thought his did too and we got along much better, until he said he wasnt interested in relationship but kept emailing calling. Forgiveness means different things to different people. Thank you so much for putting it into words. I have no plans 2 ever be in contact w/him and I know I have 2 let it go. We get it all here. Good people should allow a person to have as many chances as they ask for and when our typical mode is people pleaser who worries too much about what everyone else thinks and silences their true self to follow shoulds laid down by the inner critic, we go against ourselves. And awareness. MotherofDoodles 5 hr. Not doing it! It sounds like youre dismissing the red flags because you are attracted to him. I was appalled by this. He wants your forgiveness, which he probably interprets as you being okay with what he did. Perfect explanation Sparkle! Great addition, and true! My dilemma with him is will I go to is funeral when he dies. I feel mean standing in my boundaries and yet I also feel empowered thats a new feeling for me. As much as I felt blessed to have run into man from high school and as much as I wish I had known him better then, Im still content to say no to high school reunions. I was in the waiting room of my specialist when tht little gem arrived by text, & cut him cold. But. Its more lime an addiction. I am in the same position bad men are definitely my cross to bear in life. I am so proud that I went NC and remain focused on therapy to learn self love, self respect. He just wants us to be friends thats all. He and I both are, I wanna say, more devout than not. Dear ReadyForChange, your reply to the AC was SO self-possessed that he had to escalate his make her feel rejected plan. Once he understood he was going nowhere with the playful sexual innuendo in my case as I was not taking him seriously, he became the intense, serious friend who wants to sleep with you but not lose the friendship. It would be better for him if he had a millstone tied around his neck and was cast into the sea than to face God for what he did to this child! You deserve better than that. Thats the tricky part. This response is different from holding a grudge. What are you bearing grudges for? You made the right decision. Closure? Frustrating! Its bordering on the OCD side which can be so frustrating. Improved heart health. I guess this is why I ruminate so long about what to do because once I reach the final decision its iretrieveable. pull the focus back on you.) Mothers who REALLY love their children, anyway. Speak of your sincere sorrow or regret. Then I would take whatever my answer was and apply it to my situation. Why? When you say it out loud and try to stop them, they will fight back with everything they have. Perfect explanation Sparkle! This doesnt seem very respectful of women, and then he laughs about it. you wont because youre wise and loyal to your friend but I wonder how many others of her friends he has managed to do this too. Then, I thought, Why the hell should he think I am now or will ever by ok with what went down? It bugs me that I give a hoot what he thinks. Ultimately, dont let anybody make you feel bad about the fact that you have knowledge or awareness of something and are being responsible enough to ensure that your values and boundaries reflect this. It takes time and effort and SPACE (emotional space) to look at our relationship patterns so as to eventually be able and willing to have an honest conversation with ourselves. Drug dealer left town, found another client whose willing to lose even more than you. If we can hurt them like they have hurt us.. And you may be holding a grudge even if you don't think that you are. Irritability towards someone you're working to forgive is a barrier to overcoming a grudge.". Again, I was so wrong! Hes not a nice guy and I allowed him to treat me like shit and get away with it.Infact, Im not even polite when I see him now I respond with a Hey because thats all he gives me and I am getting over thinking I am being a bitch for acting this way. Not forgiving the person who wronged you is the essence of holding a grudge. Good for you and your new found strength! Flush this man from your life. No mother its you. Thank you Courtney and Lizzie. %PDF-1.6 % Each person is different and has a unique personality. You get tempted to go for that fix, but you stay away. Yet, this time, Im finding it so hard. I didnt get closure the AC just disappeared after 2 years.Ive run into him at social events (we live in the same town) where hes made a point of coming and talking to me even introduced me to his new girlfriend as a good friend. LOL. Holding a grudge can be harmful to your physical and mental health. I also still feel a lot of responsibility for him, which was the other thing that kept me tied. Thank you Natalie. Then we hear nothing off him till the next week after having his son for the day the guilt gets to him again.so I then have to endure the pleastries til off he goes validated yet again. Thanks dcd, yes it was my daughter and son seeing how he treated me that finally made me make the final breaktheir dad is not like this man at all so they have never experienced someone like this before and the day my daughter faced my ex AC clown and told him that she wished I would tell him to fk off was when I realised that while I was trying to keep my two lives separate it was impacting on my lovely daughter, who never swears let alone had ever hated somebody (and hate him she did). Unfortunately, there are too many single women involved with ACs that behave as if their kids are deaf and dumb. : a strong feeling of anger toward someone that lasts for a long time. But you (I), know damn well, to your very core You cant trust it. My story in short: Met my AC 3 years ago, and over the course of our on-off relationship what I found the hardest to handle was that he was cozying up to all my close friends, and appropriating my family of friends as his own. Until one day, after months, or years, that dealer comes back. He couldnt even buy a coffee without being all charming and seductive with the girl behind the counter. He left me a voicemail last sat that just stunned me. A single copy of these materials may be reprinted for noncommercial personal use only. I had issues were I would let things go, but still have resentment through my silence and it took me quite awhile to move beyond passive aggressive behavior and to just confront people about how I felt about the situation or their behavior. Grace Thank you. Ive chosen to ignore it. A clean break is no more than him messing with my head when there is no future. endstream endobj startxref 185 0 obj <>stream Im in similar boat to you here, will explain in a mo, but from what you write, this guy is disrespecting YOU not just all these apparent booty-women. I finally get it now. hll get the message! A speech will be ineffective, or worse, an ego boost for him. "Take a look at the feelings that arise immediately after you think about an old friend, a past co-worker or an ex. I couldnt really forgive him but I could not let it go either. And I dont think that my post said differently. If I dont keep reading the blogs and referring back to the No Contact Rule book that I downloaded, I can easily go back to my amnesia, not only about this relationship but also the ones in my past!! NC is brilliant. Dont have to make a big scene, just not be free to meet up as often. I already walked away more than two months ago. No-one else can do it for you or feel what you feel. Go to re-hab, start seeing a light at tbe end of the tunnel. We were friends last year and then ended up in bed on new years eve and I was willing to try the relationship again, but he said he didn;t want to, that I destroyed his soul the last time we were in relationship, becasue I was honest with him about his behaviours. I feel like hes pushing it in my face to get a reaction from me. I did the right thing at first by going no contact for a year. I think that once I get this off my chest ILL be able to move on and not seethe with anger silently at how I was treated. There have been many dramatic scenes during which I talked too much and he apologized, mostly sincerely. Thank you, Yoghurt- Your post makes 100% sense. You just gotta listen and watch. Also, which guy was he trying to impress when he told YOU that he had 6 booty calls lined up for whenever he wants? Thanks Tinkerbell! Narc with more baggage than an airport. Up until very very recently I would have sung his praises about being a caring good man-Im blown away. "Putting too much cream in the coffee or fighting over the TV remote can turn into a major blow-up due to the backlog of unresolved feelings in the relationship.". Without a subpoena, voluntary compliance on the part of your Internet Service Provider, or additional records from a third party, information stored or retrieved for this purpose alone cannot usually be used to identify you. and not actually to feel any better. It is constantly holding something over another person's head, not letting them recover from a past failure. Its also not a dating handbook. Recognize the value of forgiveness and how it can improve your life. by NATALIE | Oct 21, 2013 | Happiness & Self-Esteem | 180 comments. Not consenting or withdrawing consent, may adversely affect certain features and functions. So that I may gain some insight which could help me in the future. Having to go somewhat underground, watching my back, getting legal involved and emotionally bottoming out. He told me quite a lot about himself and his issues. You need to ask yourself why. First he was sssoooo happy and chipper sounding I couldnt believe it. There is no sense. I spoke to my male bestfriend and the consensus was it puts you in a situation where a gesture of kindness could be misinterpreted or make myself vulnerable I decided not to send a truce msg and I think forgiveness from a distance works. You have to do whats necessary to protect you! Your temperamental styles and inability to negotiate conflict could be one reason why you are prone to keep grudges with friends or family. It brought back every bad feeling I ever had when I was a little girl. Kit-Kat, I suffer from the same problem. I certainly do have amnesia when I conveniently forget about all the hurt that he has caused me and continued to cause me before I went NC and could get a clearer perspective. Even if that doesnt apply to your pastor, I doubt he meant ex boyfriends. Improved self-esteem. There is a guy interested, but I can see inspite of his efforts, emotionally disconnected and I feel fragmented after spending too much time with him, at least I dont feel emotionally nourished. In a word. Took a few years mind. A year of being single and not dating has changed my perspective of myself and what i am capable of. If we keep listening to the shoulds, we just end up stuck in a cycle of lather, rinse, repeat. But I dont seem to find peace. In other cases, reconciliation might not be appropriate. I dont know if I have if I cant even say their names when I pray. I guess it is because I cannot make sense of what happened. Probably a Narc, with more baggage than an airport. I was speaking from my own personal experience and making it a carte blanche rule for everyone. Even then, people have to deal with the natural consequences of their actions, even when they are forgiven. Maybe he was just showing off to his friends, I dont know. If never letting go of slights is referred to as holding grudges, what's it called when you'll always remember a kindness someone did you? Is it ok to remember a person who has caused us terrible harm w anger? so sad. I hope we all reach this state and continue NC (and if we fall off, get right back on). He disrespects women! I would take such advice with a grain of salt. Somehow I found it preferable to have this idealized harmony than to exercise my stronger, more realistic side (which is most decidely alive and well). It was one of the factors that kept me trying to believe in my exs good intentions so earnestly expressed while he just kept on doing the same old thing and treating me in the same old way. Even small hurts may need to be revisited and forgiven again and again. Its like my old AC all over again. Holding a grudge likely doesn't make you feel any better about what transpired, but sometimes it just happens. Then he offers you that diminishing relationship, proceeds to say well talk, then pulls away. Faith that God will make things right, that God has a plan and that God is good. My thing now is, I feel I have to leave this relationship but I dont want to do anything to him that I would not want done to me. I did not respond. My life has become SO much better since he left. We, too, forgive one another even if the other person didnt earn it. It isn't always easy to forgive but remembering the forgiveness we have received from God makes it possible. The technical storage or access is strictly necessary for the legitimate purpose of enabling the use of a specific service explicitly requested by the subscriber or user, or for the sole purpose of carrying out the transmission of a communication over an electronic communications network.

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